the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
