She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
