my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
