You're my little dorito
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
