shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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