I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
