A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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