tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
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I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
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We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.