last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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