I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
