It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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