Nicole vs. Life
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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