..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Screwed.edu
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
