i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
