were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
