If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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