Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
