He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
