I didn't shave. On purpose
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
