u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
