Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
