I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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