Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
