Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
