You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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