I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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