if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
