I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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