as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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