Christians are straight up FREAKS
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
