I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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