Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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