My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
