the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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