I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
