my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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