this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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