All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
