Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
