Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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