Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
