do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
