Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
