i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
