every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
