He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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