I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
