Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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