I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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