i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
