saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
