last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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