Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
