Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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