if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
